Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, 1 March 2013

Aussie slang

Budgie smugglers... (men's swimming trunks)

The very talented John Murray illustrates the term PERFECTLY!
 A mouth like the bottom of a cockie's cage... (dry mouth, particularly when hungover)

Dunny documents (toilet paper)

And other such phrases that are causing our current exchange student much confusion and hilarity (particularly the budgies, as her grandmother has pet budgies!).

I love Aussie slang, it's versatile, humorous, clever and irreverent, all the best things about Aussies.  It can also be impenetrable, head-scratchingly obtuse, rude and all kinds of wrong!

What's your favourite piece of Aussie slang??

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Smoked salmon tried to kill me

So, the amazing knives of the last post?  They're really REALLY sharp.

Note to self - don't try to pry frozen smoked salmon slices apart with a brand new knife, because it will slip and stab you in the palm, and you will have to phone your best friend to drive you to the hospital at 10 o'clock at night for stitches...  And then she will laugh at you.


(when labelling this post I found I already had all the labels I needed - accident, embarrassing, F Dick, funny, hospital, ouch, shame - which says a lot about my escapades, lol)

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

The Dorking Cockerel (my, he's a big boy!)

The Dorking Cockerel in all his glory

We saw this beauty in Dorking, Surrey, last year, whilst on our  big European trip.  We were going too fast to do anything other than do a double take ('was that a ten foot metal chicken??! Yes!'), so I was delighted to find this very detailed article about it that first appeared in Surrey Life magazine in 2007.



"RARELY has a piece of Surrey art work ruffled as many feathers as the Dorking Cockerel. Now standing proudly on the Deepdene roundabout, where it was erected a few weeks ago, the 10ft high sculpture has been the cause of many a wry smile, not to mention several near-misses, as drivers stare in wonder at the giant bird.

However, while there are those who find the quirky creature a cause for much amusement, there are others who think it has been a monumental waste of time and money – especially given the fact that it was the brainchild of the local council.
It all started in 2005 when Conservative councillor and former chairman of Mole Valley District Council, Neil Maltby, hatched the plan for the cockerel during his year in office. He wanted to give something back to the people of Dorking and to celebrate the bird that has long been associated with the town.
But while he was excited about the prospect of commissioning a massive statue of the five-toed creature, residents of the town were less convinced. Their need for public toilets and a solution to the summer smelly bins problems seemed more important issues for the chairman of the council to be concentrating on.
There were also fears that council money would be used to fund the controversial structure. Instead, Councillor Maltby used £10,000 that had been donated by housing company Linden Homes for artwork in the town and raised the other £13,000 through donations from businesses and individuals equally ready to crow about the idea.
“I started off by writing to a number of people including the chairman of the preservation society, the town centre manager and the chief executive of the council, to ask how people felt about the idea,” he says. “No-one told me I was crazy and I got mostly very positive comments. The fact that I managed to raise about £14,000 in sponsorship, from both businesses and individual contributions, I think speaks for itself.”
There are a number of theories about how the Dorking cockerel came to reside in the area. One conjecture is that the bird was brought into Surrey by the Romans around AD43. Another is that the species was already a resident in Dorking before Plautius’ army arrived. Meanwhile, breeders in the area believe it may have been discovered by the Romans in around AD100 when the first written references to the creature can be found.
These days, with Dorking being less of a market town, only a few places still breed the bird. But it stands proudly on many signs in the area and is worn on the shirts of the football team, The Chicks. Now as you enter the town, you can’t miss it.
“The question I get asked most about the sculpture is, ‘why does it face the way that it does?’” continues Neil. “And the answer to that is that I asked the sculptor which way it should face and he said south-east because then it greets the most people coming into Dorking, either from Reigate or Holmwood or Leatherhead, and that cockerels always face towards the rising sun.”
The enormous effigy was created by sculptor Peter Parkinson of Leatherhead’s Fire & Iron Gallery who were commissioned to produce the bird. His previous town centre art work includes the Ivegate Arch in Bradford, now used as the city’s logo, some decorative public seating in Ringwood, Hampshire, and the ‘bridge’ roundels in Leatherhead’s High Street.
But even for a man of Peter’s experience, putting a giant cockerel on a busy roundabout was no mean feat. Before work could even begin, a special shelter had to be constructed to house the sculpture while it was being made. Keen to get every last detail correct, he also began investigating what made the Dorking cockerel so special.
Fortunately, Headley-based breeder Lana Gazder happily offered one of her prized birds as a model for the sculpture. ‘Glen Two’ proudly posed for Peter in Lana’s back garden in Headley as Peter made dozens of drawings of the spectacular creature.
He particularly focused on the breed’s fifth toe. It is this that makes the bird unique, and where people born and bred in Dorking get the nickname ‘five-clawed ‘un’ from.
“I liked the challenge of this commission,” says Peter, who lives in Bordon, near Farnham. “I like doing things I haven’t done before. The most difficult part of a job like this is the initial translation of a two-dimensional A4 image into a three-dimensional 10ft high structure.
“Setting out the framework and getting the shape absolutely right is always the hardest part. I was conscious throughout that I needed to get the sculpture right in terms of the Dorking breed.
“I really wanted people who own Dorking cockerels to be happy that I had grasped its characteristics.”
The main construction of the bird began with the base, which had to be approved by engineers. Once this was completed, Peter began on the legs and constructed a strong, cockerel-shaped framework.
He then embarked on the lengthy process of individually hand-making each feather and welding it to the framework. This was the most time-consuming part of the whole project, taking many months of hard work to complete.
“Most of my other large public artworks have been pictorial and made of elements,” he continues. “I have created other birds, but I have not done a figurative piece on this scale.”
When the making process was complete, just before Christmas 2006, the steel cockerel took to the road – much to the bemusement of people across South East England; it was spotted at several locations on the back of a lorry.
First, it was transported to galvanizers in Kent to be protected so that it did not corrode once on the roundabout. The giant bird was placed in a bath of molten zinc and according to eyewitnesses looked more like the creature of the black lagoon than a cockerel as it was lifted away by a crane.
It was then moved back to the Fire and Iron gallery in Leatherhead to be ‘fettled’ before it was primed and painted. This is the process used to remove excess zinc from the surface of the sculpture to ensure a safe, smooth finish with no sharp snags, seams or runs. The final colour choice was a subtle silvery-graphite.
The impressive statue, already nominated for a prestigious art award, was finally unveiled in February when around 100 people, including the chairman Councillor Valerie Homewood and chief executive Darren Mepham of Mole Valley District Council, local business owners and residents, turned out to see the culmination of two years work. The high sheriff of Surrey, Adrian White, owner of Denbies Wine Estate in Dorking, and Neil Maltby, had the honour of pulling off the white sheet from the bird’s head.
“I was really pleased that the high sheriff was able to attend the unveiling and I thought it was a lovely ceremony,” adds Neil.
“I am delighted that it looks so good because it has been a long road from when I first had the idea back in November 2004.
“It is the task of the chairman to raise the profile of the district and to encourage people to talk about it and the fact that the cockerel has been in the papers for so long you have to say it has done that.”
As for the artist, who spent the best part of a year creating the sculpture, he is thrilled with the finished result.
“It is always a relief to see a piece of my work safely installed and looking good,” adds Peter
“I’m really pleased with the Dorking Cockerel – I think it looks even better than I expected in situ.
“In terms of what the sculpture will do for Dorking, I think it gives the town’s symbol the recognition it deserves.
“I hope people will grow fond of it, and that it helps put the town and its history firmly on the map.”
One thing’s for sure – it will certainly continue to raise a smile as drivers go past. It has already had a giant balloon shaped like an egg placed underneath it, had a learner driver label put around its neck and had the privilege of a visit from his Royal Highness Prince Charles – or at least a man in a Prince Charles mask.

FACTFILE: The Dorking Cockerel

Height: 10ft
Weight: Between one and two tons
Materials: Steel and zinc
Man hours: Around 10 months of work
Location: On the Deepdene roundabout at the junction with the A24
(London Road and Deepdene Avenue) and the A25 (Reigate Road)

There were traditionally five varieties of the Dorking cockerel

1 The very rare white.
2 The equally rare red.
3 The silver-grey, made popular as a show bird in the mid-19th century.
4 The cuckoo-a blue/grey bird with striped feathers and the once endangered dark.
5 And the silver-grey- the variety that has been adopted by the people of Dorking."




Wednesday, 10 October 2012

It's not me, it's miniature goats

So, I've been chatting with friend C about her desire to own a miniature goat.  And apparently you need to keep 2 because they get sad otherwise :-( so I had suggested I'd get one to be its friend.  In a theoretical way, you understand.

Turns out it's C's birthay very soon, and she's been goat hunting on the internet.


No, I didn't buy the $2800 quadricycle, but it was very tempting ;-)

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

You've got to be yolking!


 

Sometimes me and B amaze ourselves with the comedy gold we come up with.  This is one of our longer, funnier exchanges, with my favourite theme!


Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Naughty vegies (and recipes, and a surprise free gift!)



 Well, it's not grown up, and it's not clever, but it IS pretty funny... 

We found this very amusing while in the Netherlands!According to a recipe I found, Winterpeen is the name for the big ones (oo-er!)
Picked up this beauty at the markets and made him into stovetop baba ganoush!
Summerpeen, perhaps?A cucumber from the States, pic sent by a lovely friend who was obviously impressed by it's perfection, lol.  You can make them into Agua de pepino (cucumber limeade), it's a Mexican treat!
BONUS FRUIT, WHAT A FREE GIFT! Look at this Rubenesque Corella pear.  Why not make this TMX (Thermomix) Pear and Raspberry cake? Nom nom nom ;-)

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Caution - attack cats patrol here!

Cue insane laughter here...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha hah ha!!  The only danger in our house is of being suffocated by Tabby's large amount of belly fluff, or having your head explode from Ada's cuteness.

And if that doesn't finish you off, the puppy will lick you to death.

Enter at your own risk!


Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Poisonous mushrooms, anyone?

Picture the scene - we're spending the day at a friend's house, and the kids (Darling Son (7), Darling Daughter (4) and their equally darling friend (8)) are playing over the road at an open neighbourhood garden.
Me: Lunchtime, guys!
Kids: We've already had lunch today, Mummy, we ate things from the garden.  We've had peaches and nectarines and mushrooms.
Me: Mushrooms?  Are you serious?!?!?!
Exhibit A: the mushroom in question

First I had to check they weren't kidding - they weren't.  Then I had to get them to bring a sample of the mushroom - they did.  Then us adults frantically got on the internet to Google 'poisonous mushrooms of Adelaide' - and there are plenty!
So the Poisons Hotline was called, and the mushroom in question described.  Verdict of the Poisons person was that it was 50/50 harmless/harmful identification, hard to decide over the phone.
YIKES!
How do my family get into these situations?!?!
After much parental wailing and gnashing of teeth (and consumption of lunch by 3 very un-bothered children) it was decided to 'wait and see', given that the kids had been over there for a couple of hours, and the Poisons person said that ill-effects would show 1-2 hours after consumption.

So we popped them in front of a movie and kept an extremely watchful eye on them for signs of fainting, vomiting, seizures, etc etc.  And by tea time it was decided that they had got lucky and eaten mushrooms that had sprung up from mushroom compost on the vegie garden.  Phew!

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

A great artist captures the feline gaze - meow!

Every cat owner has experienced this patient, hopeful, polite but persistent feline gaze, so beautifully captured in this sketch by Australian artist Norman Lindsay.  I love this funny little sketch because it really is a cat-lover's POV,watching two little heads popping up over the edge of your tray or table, just waiting to see if there are any tasty morsels to come their oh so deserving way.
A greeting card of this scene is framed on my wall, because these two pusses are very like our handsome lad Lister, and our previous tabby girl Gemma, who died in 2010.  I love the contrast between the black cat's slightly disdainful frown ('haven't you finished yet, selfish human?') and the saucer eyes of a really rotund greyish cat who doesn't need any extra calories ('I'm visibly wilting here, please feed me').

Lindsay's cat sketches are gorgeous, and just a small part of his body of work, which included sculptures, books, articles, cartoons and scale models (check out this for a potted history of this creative bad boy, whose prints and novels were often banned as pornographic).  He was also a boxer!

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Damn you Siri...

After several years of languishing in 'crap phone land' I've recently got myself an iPhone, and it's fabbo (thankyou Mr Jobs).  Easy to use, keeps me and/or the kids busy on long trips, etc, etc, I adore it.  However, the autocorrect leaves something to be desired (in an often very amusing way, thankyou Damnyouautocorrect), and as for Siri, the voice to text assistant, well.

Shall we just say that she obviously needs to clean out her little electronic ears (recently I asked her to 'find shops' and she heard it as 'find sharks') and she has a tiny bit of trouble with my British/Australian accent.  As you can see, when I tried to tell my friend B to look for 'loo paper the walk-in robe' (we were out of paper in the main bathroom and ensuite at the time, ya know), Siri came up with the above case of grave digging and porn acting.  'Cos Siri is classy like that!

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Lunchtime FAIL - with amusing results!

Mental note to self - when you put cans of soft drink in the freezer to chill them fast because someone is coming round for lunch in 15 minutes, PUT THE TIMER ON TO REMEMBER TO GET THEM BACK OUT AGAIN!

Because otherwise, this is what happens:
Boom!  

And let me tell you, frozen Coke is a bugger to get out of your freezer - the devastation spread across 3 shelves and down into the drawers at the bottom.    I won't be freezing cans again any time soon!

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

25 random things about me

Inspired by this post at The Virginia House, I remembered I did this on Facebook a couple of years ago.

Funnily enough, most of them are still accurate today - except for the Krispy Kreme donuts, because they're not yet available in Adelaide (although coming soon, apparently).  I think I must have got given a box when DH went to Melbourne for work!

1. I like wine far too much for my own good
2.I just ate 2 Krispy Kreme donuts and want another
3. I wish I'd never shaved my legs as a teenager
4. When I was 18 I had a strapless dress that was purple
5. and my first pair of high heels was white (and I'm from Essex.  It was the 80s, so sue me!)
6. I worry about my elderly parents
7. I worry about my children
8. I worry too much!
9. I'd love a boob job
10. I have many tattoos (21?)
11. I wish I hadn't turned down a really good job when I was 20 to go back to uni (and then drop out)
12. Glad I turned it down as I met my husband afterwards at uni
13. I can drink my DH under the table on vodka (just like Karen Allen in Indiana Jones!)
14. I kissed a girl and I liked it
15. I have a partially un-fused sacrum = 6 lumbar vertebrae
16. I would like to lose 15kg but can't be arsed
17. I like chickens, live ones of course!
18. I served Tom Baker (1970s Dr Who) when I was working in a UK bookshop.  He's really tall
19. My favourite author is Jonathan Carroll, and you've probably never heard of him
20. Favourite perfume is Issy Miyake
21. Favourite smell is my children's hair after a bath
22. Cats are essential to modern life
23. I fell asleep at a party after drinking absinthe
24. I went to a Batman premiere in London in 2005
25. If I had a million dollars I would give most of it away

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Hairballs - a gift of love

Ugh!

Again this morning I wake to the sound of a cat 'gacking', and then play 'dodge the gift' on my way to the bathroom.  I have about a 60% success rate at avoiding the little offerings - which means, yes, about 40% of the time I step right in them... 


It's always the same cat, the fluffy one, surprise, surprise.  I know she does them near me because that's where she sleeps, and that's because she loves me, but still!

Sometimes the kids hear her as well, and come running into my bedroom yelling 'Mum, Mum, Ada did a vomit on your floor!'.  Thanks, darlings, I already found it.  Pass me some wipes for my foot, thanks.

It could be worse. Thanks Cheezburger for putting that into perspective

And can you believe, MS Office doesn't have a clipart for 'hairball'?  Astonishing! Hence the Biohazard...


Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Mummy FAIL (then win)

Seriously, you couldn't make this up - here's what happened to me today....
The lovely Adelaide City Council guys and little ol' me, dredging Torrens Lake.  As you do...

As per usual, Wednesday is walking group day.  But as it's school holidays here in Australia, I had DS (age 7) with me as well as DD (4).  We're 3/4 of the way around our 4.5kms circuit of Torrens Lake in the centre of Adelaide, I'm carrying a friend's dog (don't ask), DD is running ahead and DS is helpfully pushing the empty stroller (buggy, pushchair, pram, whatever you call it) for me.  All is fine and dandy in the summer sun, it's a beautiful day, 30C, lovely jubbly.

Next thing I know there's a splash and I see my (empty) stroller sinking like a stone into the lake...  with my bag hooked onto it.  My lovely Belgian tapestry chicken bag that's got my car keys, phone, wallet/purse, drivers license, DD's beloved Blankie, etc in it!  Note to self - don't let 7 yr old push stroller vigorously right next to the lake where there's no fence - this is a mummy Fail.

Cue hysteria from the kids, with DD carrying on in an Oscar-worthy way, hands raised to heaven, tears and snot streaming from her, yelling 'Blankie, Blankie, this is a disaster!', and DS crying because his new Swiss Army Knife was also sitting on the stroller seat.  Shouldn't have let it fall in the lake then, mate :-(

What to do in this pickle?  I wasn't going to jump in the lake, it's filthy (and quite deep there), not to mention I had  the kids going bananas with me.  Thankfully, my gorgeous friend B kept a cool head, phoned my hubby, and phoned the City Council, who dispatched a (not very) Rapid Response Team to help.

Hubby took the crying kids away for lunch and B stayed while the guys got a long pole (a remarkably difficult process, they had to go away and come back again twice) and started dredging for the stroller.

But wait, there's more!

Half and hour later, no sign of pram, City guys go away, B drives me to my car and I use hubby's keys to get us all home.  Commiserations, etc with the kids.  Me and B joke about getting dive tanks, as my hubs is a PADI scuba diver.  A couple of hours later, we discuss with B's hubby, who promptly goes down to the lake with a big hook on a rope and within 10 minutes RESCUES MY SHIT!

This is a great chicken bag! 

The only unrecovered item was the Swiss army knife, easily replaced.  Blankie has now been washed and returned to very happy little girl, my car keys are drying out, and we'll see if my phone recovers - at least I've now got the SIM. Thankyou thankyou to M, B, and all concerned!

See, I told you you couldn't make this stuff up - it's never a dull moment here!


Friday, 13 January 2012

Bury me in a giant chicken coffin, go on

Oh, this is fabulous!  According to the UK Daily Mail, a West African carpenter is doing a roaring trade in the UK crafting shaped 'fantasy' coffins, including this superb chicken:


Read all about it here. Paa Joe, I salute you.

And heavens, I LOVE the interwebs!